Chaos

I marvel at the parents who seem to invite chaos into their lives. I read on someone's infertility/adoption blog once that they as a couple had "prayed for chaos." They wanted a house busting at the seams with children. chaotic. That concept made me cringe, I had always prayed for my children; but chaos?

 Over the years I have discovered such controlling tendencies in my sin nature, that more and more despise the thought of chaos.

At the depth of our grief when our sweet babies T an C left our care, I remember thinking, and perhaps telling my husband: with such profound grief, chaos, illness, stress and anxiety that comes with parenting, who in their right mind would ever choose that path....again? The loss of having them in our home was way more difficult than the stress or raising them. We coud hardly believe how much it hurt. Not many people go from 2 kids to no kids, but I remember clearly thinking that maybe I wasn't cut out for this. Was not getting pregnant easily a "sign" that I wasn't meant to mother?  Not once did I think that with the children in my home. I would still jump in front of a train for those kids, would do anything for them. But without that perspective, childless once again, the chaos that was then behind me seemed foreign, and insane to ask for a repeat. I felt like a shadow of the woman I had been just weeks prior.
And yet, we said yes again and again. And by say yes, I mean God calls us to the privilege of parenting. He offers this immense stewardship opportunity, to bask in the blessing of these children that are His. And so daily I try to concentrate on the truth of God's hand ordering my chaos. My sinful heart will always try to plan my own way, but the Lord will establish my steps. (Prov. 16:9) Praise God that His will be done in spite of me and my plans. Although I continually fear those chaotic moments where I want to crawl into my closet and cover my ears, I am continually seeking God's hand in my life to turn my fears into praise.

Truly the Lord has provided me true joy and  delight in  my husband and children. And the pandemonium that occasionally surrounds me is ordered by a sovereign king who controls, articulates, and makes beautiful such chaos.