Life bits

No updates on where my kiddos will be in a few months. But home with us for the holidays is more than I dared ask for! 

There are trying days and wonderful moments.

The kids are growing like weeds!

Baby C has started solids, rocks a doc band, and continues to be Mr. Giggles day in and day out! He demands more attention these days and absolutely loves his sister and anything she does.

Baby T has finally gained some weight, is talking up a storm, including her first 3 word unprompted sentence : "Mamma, cracker please!"
She has occupational therapy a few times a month, and has started playing by herself a bit, and exploring life more fearlessly.
She is defiant and loud, but it has been such a blessing to see her begin to freely laugh and play and be comfortable in her own skin. Amazing the transitional issues even such young children can go through.

We are having fun in our little family. I will update more when time permits.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year

fun day

Loving life with my kiddos. We have enjoyed lots of crazy, loud, fun, screaming adventures in the past few weeks. But our favorite time is when daddy-o is home and we have extra hands for extra fun outings like the zoo

loving stroller weather

looking at the exotic stuffed dolls....

baby looking at exotic coffees

awwwww

 too little walk very long, too stubborn to ride. 

In other news we have been in contact with their potentially adoptive grandmother. And things very well could be leaning in the favor of the family. Loving each day with these kiddos. 

the eagle has landed

There are two privileged foster kids who have never had to share a room before, sharing a room, and sleeping in separate cribs down the hall from me. They do not know what having a full sibling means, or how much the system worked in their favor to keep them together. I pray that I am their Mamma, who one day has to teach them how to love on, share with, and respect each other, and who teaches them what a blessing siblings are in this life. Baby C smiles at big sis like she is a bottle of formula waiting to be gulped. She stares at him blankly, but I know in a few days she will be spreading the crumbly graham cracker love on his hair and back with love pats.

The story of T hopefully ends here with us. Transitioning is tough for an 18 month old. Her disconcerted little body holding stiff as we try to love her tonight. All she knows is mom and dad just left, and in the morning she will wake up in a strange place, possibly with an infant babbling in her ear. Who likes waking in a stranger's house? Especially if you didn't have a choice in the transition? Pray for baby T, our sweet girl we will have forever or just a little while.  Pray that we minister to her and exemplify Christ's love each moment. Pray for health and healing for both babies mentally and physically.

And special prayers for her grieving foster family.They loved T and absolutely smothered her in prayers, and  after having T 10 months, tearfully handed her over tonight.

Tick tock

We are in the final countdown. Court dates, ultimatums, therapy evaluations, and many, many phone calls on my part... and we are in the final stretch of closure. Allegedly. They are looking to drop the prospective Grandma's paperwork, due to her lack of interest, and place baby T in our home indefinitely. Maybe. There are still logistics, but I am told the decision should be made in the next 2 weeks.

The prospect of adopting both children is delightful....ly terrifying. We are still praying about our final decision and hope to hear more about baby T's diagnosis-es. However, I am choosing names, rearranging the nursery to fit another crib, and dreaming of these precious kiddos, our expanding family. Needless to say, our minds are pretty much made up.

Tonight, J took the baby to see his family, and I have the evening free for my homework, as school is in full swing. But of course my mind won't settle to its work. I keep hearing baby coos in my empty house :-)


As Job said.... “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."


Very soon we shall know if the Lord is adding to our family or decreasing. May He be glorified in my heart regardless of the final result. 

Reality

The reality is....
Sometimes hear-say and conjecture is the only way to get "new" information around here. As you can imagine this can be detrimental to one's psyche.

The reality is...
Baby C is my child. My son. Our baby boy, our "firstborn," and I irrevocably love him as fiercely as any mother ever loved a child.

The reality is...
This situation has been a "possible" adoption from the start. We have always heard about an elusive relative who has not been in contact with us or baby T's foster family (the past 8 months) and we assumed this meant lack of interest.

The reality is...
 Baby C is also our foster child. This implies temporary. This week I heard a bit of news, hear-say-ed and conjectur-ed though it was, that MAY, PERHAPS POSSIBLY, mean the beginning of the end of our time with our boy. MAY. PERHAPS. POSSIBLY. or ... not.

The reality is...
I signed up for this. So every tear I shed this week was slapped by my mental self, you KNEW what you were getting into Kate, you KNEW. And you KNOW you actually know NOTHING definite ... yet. NOTHING.

The reality is...
I haven't been able to stop snuggling Baby this week, I have un-swaddled him and taken him to our bedrooms so we could rest together during nap time. I have used my mei tai wrap just so he is held close to me when I am about doing housework, even if he was content in his swing. I cried over his sleeping cheeks as he smiled in his baby dreams.

The reality is...
 I do NOT want to let him go. Or even face the notion of a MAYBE, COULD BE, SOMEDAY.... goodbye.

The reality is...
I knew foster parenting would test my faith. And my lack of trust in who God is and what His will and purpose for my life and the life of our children, has become a blaring example of what I am to be taught. As I fight my desire to control these situations, and that only I could possibly know what is best for this child; I am being reminded of just what God has covenanted to His children.

My own prayers and blessings for C are empty in comparison to the hope I find in scripture.


"See ywhat kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called zchildren of God; and so we are. The reason why athe world does not know us is that bit did not know him. 2 Beloved, we are zGod's children cnow, and what we will be dhas not yet appeared; but we know that ewhen he appears1 fwe shall be like him, because gwe shall see him as he is. 3 And everyone who hthus hopes in him ipurifies himself as he is pure." ~ 1 John 3:1-3

"Blessed be fthe God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing gin the heavenly places,4 heven as he ichose us in him jbefore the foundation of the world, that we should be kholy and blameless before him. In love 5 lhe predestined us2for madoption as sons through Jesus Christ, naccording to the purpose of his will, 6 oto the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in pthe Beloved." ~ Ephesians 1:1-6

shots

My darling baby boy had his 2 month shots last week, for as much as I hyperventilated driving to the hospital that day, the shots themselves went great.

I have this horrible habit when I see a loved one in pain....thanks to my mother.....I giggle. My sweet baby getting his shots was no exception. I was holding his arms down  before as they prepped the needles, and I saw his bottom lip stick out, his lips smooshed together as he mentally prepared for trauma, and  I felt so awful for him, I laughed! The more he screamed the more I giggled!
Don't mock me, this giggle condition is genetic...many a spouse of those related to my mother will attest to the females who are hysterical while digging for Arnica, ice packs, or band aids....


Baby C continues to grow, Baby T continues to visit. 2 children in the house is trying, and I pray for grace to handle the transition, if it is ever to be permanent, with grace.

happenings

Here I sit sipping a cold Starbucks beverage, daydreaming on Trulia and Pinterest... my little man is laying in his bouncy next to me, awake, content, and adorable. My hardworking man is sleeping in, and minus being semi-awake enough for me to run get coffee, is oblivious to anything but the rare privilege of a delayed wake up time. Oh, and a sweet little girl is asleep in the nursery. Yes, Baby C's sister is here for a sleepover!

Sweet baby T is sweet, almost to a fault. She is so very laid back and mellow (for now :-). Her lovely foster parents have never left her over night in the 8 months they had her, and various text messages and delayed goodbyes last night confirmed their love for her, and nervousness at her demeanor upon their departure. Baby T took it like a champ. She was so very good for dinner, bath and play time. And went directly to sleep at nigh' nigh' time. She was not as her usual smiley self (as I witnessed earlier this week) she was contemplative of us and her new surroundings, but the trust was there and I look forward to getting to know her more today.

Another evaluation for baby C this week. These are laid back, in home evaluations that, for us at least, have been relatively painless. Mentally stressful only because it would be hard not to take everything personally if there were to be developmental delays with our baby. Baby C is right on track however, so an hour of me and a stranger staring at him went well overall. I could stare at him all day everyday!

First Contact

From our first days wish baby C, we knew he had a sister.  This is not baby C's only sibling, but his only full sibling, and the one who everyone would like to see in a "forever family," with him.

And a few nights ago, I received a long awaited phone call from Baby T's foster mother!

I learned more about the foster family, biological family, biological extended family, and sweet baby T than I have heard from, the countless people involved in this case, in these last 6 weeks combined.

I am both weakened with the burden of information and decisions, and so incredibly edified and strengthened by the prayers of this other family. The phone call was extremely encouraging, this is another family of believers who spoke with nothing but honesty, respect, and a God-fearing, prayerful approach to this whole messy situation.

Baby T is a darling girl. She was a preemie and has had a bit of a rocky start in life, but is flourishing in her current home. We are setting up some "play dates" with these siblings, and will be continually praying for what God has for these two in the near and distant future.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 ESV)

Initiation

I am standing behind the last row of chairs in church this past Sunday. The sermon just getting started, and I am bouncing up and down on my toes like a boxer... trying to not be conspicuous...trying to keep a rhythm...and trying to get my baby to sleep.

This was after Baby C started getting fussy and squirmy on my lap, but was enjoying making eyes at the row behind us over my shoulder...then turning his head comfortably on my chest he quickly spit up his entire stomach contents down my shirt. To clarify. Underneath my shirt. down front. Slipping into the bathroom for a quick clean up I decided I would rather squirm with my baby in the back of the church rather than in a middle pew. The only sad part about this is, it didn't dawn on me to DO this, until I saw a woman with HER baby on the opposite side of the church dancing side to side with her baby in a front pack. *le sigh* Such a no brainer.

I bounce bounce bounce, trying to take keen interest in our pastors words, trying to focus... paranoid my baby will cry and disrupt someone. Repeating this to a woman after the service and expressing my concern of disruption as I learn the unpredictability of babies.. she says to me: "Let me repeat to you what an old lady told me when my babies were little...happy baby noises in church are a good thing." I appreciated her words. I have heard these words before, my own mother and father have told me this in no uncertain terms at least a dozen times since we got baby C, but I still appreciate someone in my own church making the effort. After my first bout with a "sort of fussy church baby" I felt more relaxed at the end of the service. I can do this! One initiating task at a time to ease me into parenthood...minus smelling like spoiled milk on the way home, it was a successful worship service.

ONWARDS AND UPDWARDS here is an update:

I have met with Baby C's case manger this week and his special doctor this morning. I feel so very encouraged by many things and saddened by a few.

Perhaps one day I will feel comfortable enough to share an edited version of the story of Babay C's family. Just know that in many ways there are "ideals" if baby C becomes adoptable. However, putting more and more pieces together yesterday left me in tears after his case manager left. Their story is similar to ours in so many ways... sin, consequences and a loving, forgiving Savior. I can only pray for the entire family and to trust that God knows the perfect place and plan for these children.

On the upside the Doctor visit C had today was amazing. The nurse repeated what the doctor told her saying "C does NOT want to be 4 weeks old, he is trying to take off already!" I was so proud of baby C showing of his mad 1 month "scooting" and "almost rolling" skills, scaring us multiple times by trying to jump off the exam table :-)  He cooed and smiled once, and looked "amazingly beautiful and healthy," as the doctor said.  He screamed his head off for the blood work. This made me happy as his first week heel stick made him frown but not cry, I lectured him no the need to express himself when it comes to physical discomfort. He took me seriously and wailed today! It was glorious...

Unpacking Insecurities, new parents and foster parents

When I get called a new "mom" or " new mamma" I am thrown into a brief tizzy of joy, OR a brief fit of rage depending on the tone of the greeter.

Keep in mind, I am not so high and mighty that I do not recognize my own "new" mom paranoia of "was that sniffle normal? did he breath funny? Is he supposed to spit up that much?" I am guilty of taking baby's temperature for no reason multiple times a day. I am guilty of Googling...everything. Of reading ALL the baby books. I exaggerate that last part, I only read a few chapters from each. 

However, I try my HARDEST to be a confident, critical thinking, non-over reactive new mom. *cue my mother's laughter*

I assumed that with me consciously TRYING to not be an over-reactive that I would automatically be able to mind-over-matter my new-mom-ness. This is impossible. For me this will only come with experience. This is, of course, "my first rodeo" as it were. 

The last time a nurse made a comment on my new-mom-ness, I boiled with rage. Keep in mind it was an innocent statement, I have not dealt with any blatantly rude people yet.  I was still miffed. And as I sat alone in the doctors office holding my sweet, sweet love bundle baby...I talked myself down..."Ok Kate, I understand you are angry, can you explain why?"  My insecurities stem from 1. I am "new" and don't want to do anything "wrong" or misjudge a health concern for baby. And 2. (probably more applicably) Is I am afraid of the judgment which comes with this foster care territory. 

~ That "they" will feel there are way more qualified couples interested in adopting, and baby c deserves someone with more experience.
~ that "they" will assume I do this for financial aid, that I refuse to work a "real job."
~ That, especially if there is confusion about who baby c's bio mom is, that I am somehow responsible for any of his health conditions.

Even writing this makes me feel irrational. But I need to acknowledge this is part of the territory, my own personal hang-ups with the "tone" of various nurses, or of other "randoms" who show up to monitor my home life, is my own problem to "get over." 

Like the childish sinner that I am, I hope to get a sturdier back to which any ill-felt comments will slide right off, and that God in His omnipotence, will answer my constant prayers for wisdom as I navigate this "new" parenthood experience.

Family

In our foster class training we were taught that we are "resource parents," another term for "foster." We use  those terms sarcastically in our house. "Resource" relationships seem to slap the face of what we believe to be God's intention for a covenant family. Any child in our home is our child. We are their parents. It might not be forever, but there would be no differentiation if we had biological kiddos here as well. The word resource seems to intensify the political aspect of foster care. We are the resources of the state true, but we are still to provide a normal, stable family life for kiddos until further notice, or become their "forever family" (another term used).

That being said, we probably significantly underestimated the amount of 'pressure' this decision in our lives would put on our respective families. We are so blessed to have God fearing family and friends who are respectful, supportive, and mostly prayerful of our decisions. Their support this week in particular has been an unexpected blessing. Not that I didn't expect them to be supportive, but because of how inconsistent, and ever changing foster care can be, J and I wanted to try to down play the presence of children in our home.  For #1, I am not sure this was ever going to be possible, my own panic, and our quick call to action left no choice but to frantically call our family. They all have bent over backwards to surround us with blessing

Cheers to the "Resource" relatives !
~Brother and Sister in law provided me food all week!
~Sister in law came over almost every night this week to help with an evening feeding...and to hold the sweet sleeping baby...
~ Sister in law hosted a girls night +Baby tonight so we could watch girly tv and she could snuggle baby  while I supervised....i.e. painted my finger nails.
~ 1 resource grandma made curtains and a quilted wall hanging (pictures pending), provided clothes and came to visit me from afar bearing hugs, encouragement and laughs.
~1 resource grandma made burp cloths, went consignment shopping with me and helped with nursery decor,  and came over to meet baby C with warm welcome his first night here.
~ Resource PA Auntie for dealing with my mess of frantic phone calls while in various baby stores, and my tears and dumb questions I am too embarrassed to google!

Not to mention the friends and family that donated our up-cycled baby stash into existence, car seats, crib, stroller, bouncer, swing, clothes, you name it. God has certainly provided and opened these doors for us exceedingly wide


This has only been a few days and the outpouring of love has been such a blessing. It is such an incredible feeling to know that no matter how long a child is in our home, they will have an extended family that will love on them oodles!

baby c

Little baby C is a dream. He is on one major medication which could be making him drowsier than some babies, but after his doctor appointment today I can say he is healthy, gaining weight, and a happy little clam. He eats, he sleeps, he poops, he lost his umbilical cord, and did not cry once when they squeezed blood out of his heel today.

I wish he was mine. Maybe someday. The "jury" (figuratively and literally) will be out for a while as there is a family member who wants him; also he has sibling which makes him a "package deal."

I don't feel it prudent to list the many complex and half-baked data that make up baby's C's situation. Compared to some foster babies, his is ideal. But still messy.

As for the Faiths, I knew this would be hard,  I knew this would involve lots of people, but the reality is...this is hard, and it involves lots of people!

In fact today, I was speaking to one lady who had needed to see me and baby in my home "as soon as possible," and while answering her questions I repeatedly had to say, "this is what I was told, I am not sure if this is accurate information.." she knew less than I did! At one point I stopped her talking... "I am sorry, forgive me for not keeping everyone straight, but who are you and where do you fit into this equation again?" Let's just say it was a behavioral counselor or something of the sort, marking baby C for a mandatory evaluation.  Which even she admitted makes no sense, him being only 5 days old...  One more meeting, add it to my list. We had a doc appointment today, that weird appointment at my house, we had case workers follow us home from hospital, our licensing agent visits tomorrow, and I have a doc appointment the week after and a specialty appointment the week after that. There will be more in the interim. This kid has more meetings than a CEO! I have yet to work with anyone mean, but I can see the tedious problems in the future...in the magic-crystal-future-foster care-ball...

 I found it interesting that I caught myself twice today declaring myself the "foster mom" as opposed to his mom....don't get me wrong I already would jump in front of a car this kid, but I also find myself defensive of his "possible" medical condition....not wanting it linked to my care-giving/non-prenatal care-giving. Am I making sense?... Watch me as I hopefully die to my selfish vanity. What does it matter what the hospital thinks of me as long as they are properly taking care of my baby...right?

 I do feel encouraged, as a first timer, I felt no judgment at my awkward attempt at maneuvering both diaper/file cabinet bag and infant seat from room to room. Nurses and doctors were wonderful to me and baby, it helps that baby C is beyond adorable. I think they examined him so long, just so they got a chance to hold him.

I feel so blessed for having such a praying and loving family. Foster grandparents (our parents) visiting and calling, my sister in law and brother bringing me food and sanity as we figure out life with baby.


Oh right, I am only 48 hours in, if I sound a bit delusional/sleepy/ that is why..

Baby C sends his love!

Baby is here

Sweet baby boy C. has been with us for over 24 hours now.
He was born last Friday and is as "easy" as babies can be, as told to me by his nurse.

Crazy circumstances, and a crazy roller coaster of emotions for "resource" mamma-kate, but baby is doing great!

Some health issues are possible, but we found out today they are not probable. *crisscrossapplesauce* This week includes 2 more home visits related to baby C and a Dr. appointment.

Haven't decided if ever I will post pictures, but trust me when I saw he is ADORABLE

The first "Call"

Today we received our first  "CALL."  I was visiting my sister-in-law, and after having JUST completed a conversation with her about how it would be a few weeks before we were "licensed," my phone rang and there was our licensing agent. We are LICENSED! Such Joy...such panic! Originally we didn't think our paper's would be processed until closer to the end of the month!

No the baby room is not done.

No my house is not clean.

My diaper bag is not packed.

And I am leaving town in the morning. Not exactly where I thought I'd be when this first call came.

So, when I return, as of Monday, our agency will begin "looking" for us via the emails they receive daily about whatever lovely kiddo needs to move in with us ASAP.

The next time I update I will either be learning parenthood or anticipating our next call...the call that says, "Are you awake? We have a kid for you!"

Excuse me while this lame wife goes and finishes writing her honey-do list for her amazing hubby before she goes on a mini-vacay. :-)

Joy in the Journey

When Joseph and I were dating, we decided that if we got married we would adopt. 

The choice to adopt has been on the table since before our engagement.  It was never a matter of "if" just a matter of "when." When one of my college roommates became a social worker for a Christian foster care agency she planted the seeds of considering adoption by means of the foster care system. Skip ahead a few drastic steps and here we are today.

This has been a slow, expected process in our minds. Even though we significantly sped up the process this year, many things had to line up for this to happen. We have felt a crystal clear calling that now was the time, and the stars aligned to make it happen. Figuratively of course. Many hours of  prayer and conversation have been invested in this decision  Just like our marriage. Did that mean we were 100% ready for marriage. NO. and that does not mean we are 100% ready for this. But we are even more sure today, than yesterday, and 1000x more sure NOW than we were when we were dating, that this is exactly where God wants us to be. Perhaps it is to try, fail and be humbled. Perhaps it is for one child to join our family. Perhaps it is for 7 children! We can't answer those questions. We are just trying to seek what God has for us, and find whatever joy along the way!

It reminds me of the Michael Card Song "Joy in the Journey. "
There is a joy in the journey
There's a light we can love on the way
There is a wonder and wildness to life
And freedom for those who obey

And all those who seek it shall find it
A pardon for all who believe
Hope for the hopeless and sight for the blind

To all who've been born in the Spirit
And who share incarnation with Him
Who belong to eternity stranded in time 

Forget not the hope that's before you
And never stop counting the cost
Remember the hopelessness when you were lost

There is a joy in the journey
There's a light we can love on the way
There is a wonder and wildness to lifeAnd freedom for those who obey~Michael Card

The Process

Joseph and I were married in August of 2009. We enjoyed our first few years as a couple with work and fun, planning on pursuing parenthood somewhere along the 5 year route. With the introduction of the foster care option, it became much a part of our conversation, until the big Firefighting lay offs in 2011. Family talk was on the back burner. After Joseph started in his new insurance gig and all was well, we picked up where we left off, after he settled in routine. First it was conversations and questions. Lunch dates with my case-worker friend turned into mini-preparation sessions. We set up appointments at a few different agencies in late summer, early fall 2012. We chose and agency, started our paperwork, and signed up to start our foster class in January 2013!  Then....on Thanksgiving 2012 we found out about Joseph's new job, and move opportunity within his company. We sold our house, postponed our class, and packed up and moved to Phoenix in March 2013.
Right away we decided to touch base with the same agency in Phoenix, and they gave us the lowdown on an accelerated course in April..  baddabing ....we said OK! Ok not badda bing, more like badda "GAH yes NO...maybe...they want an email NOW... ahhhahhahhha.....hmmmmm yes? yes. YES." OK.

The course was to get us licensed to do foster care. It was called "Partnering for Safety and Permanence Model Approach to Partnerships in Parenting: PS-MAPP."  We are also still undergoing paperwork for our certification for adoption. Fingerprints, background checks, references, home visits, our home inspection, paperwork, paperwork, paperwork, homework, financial histories, physicals, etc. etc. Originally it is a 10 week course, we did it in 6. Which means Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6-9 we were sitting in a classroom. It was sad, fun, informative, and frustrating all at the same time. The social work industry is a mess. That is no secret. We are hopefully set up with resources/ways to find resources to help this process be manageable. Nothing works better than prayer. 

 We do like our like our agency, and definitely feel supported as we embark on this interesting endeavor