Tick tock

We are in the final countdown. Court dates, ultimatums, therapy evaluations, and many, many phone calls on my part... and we are in the final stretch of closure. Allegedly. They are looking to drop the prospective Grandma's paperwork, due to her lack of interest, and place baby T in our home indefinitely. Maybe. There are still logistics, but I am told the decision should be made in the next 2 weeks.

The prospect of adopting both children is delightful....ly terrifying. We are still praying about our final decision and hope to hear more about baby T's diagnosis-es. However, I am choosing names, rearranging the nursery to fit another crib, and dreaming of these precious kiddos, our expanding family. Needless to say, our minds are pretty much made up.

Tonight, J took the baby to see his family, and I have the evening free for my homework, as school is in full swing. But of course my mind won't settle to its work. I keep hearing baby coos in my empty house :-)


As Job said.... “Naked I came from my mother's womb, and naked shall I return. The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord."


Very soon we shall know if the Lord is adding to our family or decreasing. May He be glorified in my heart regardless of the final result. 

Reality

The reality is....
Sometimes hear-say and conjecture is the only way to get "new" information around here. As you can imagine this can be detrimental to one's psyche.

The reality is...
Baby C is my child. My son. Our baby boy, our "firstborn," and I irrevocably love him as fiercely as any mother ever loved a child.

The reality is...
This situation has been a "possible" adoption from the start. We have always heard about an elusive relative who has not been in contact with us or baby T's foster family (the past 8 months) and we assumed this meant lack of interest.

The reality is...
 Baby C is also our foster child. This implies temporary. This week I heard a bit of news, hear-say-ed and conjectur-ed though it was, that MAY, PERHAPS POSSIBLY, mean the beginning of the end of our time with our boy. MAY. PERHAPS. POSSIBLY. or ... not.

The reality is...
I signed up for this. So every tear I shed this week was slapped by my mental self, you KNEW what you were getting into Kate, you KNEW. And you KNOW you actually know NOTHING definite ... yet. NOTHING.

The reality is...
I haven't been able to stop snuggling Baby this week, I have un-swaddled him and taken him to our bedrooms so we could rest together during nap time. I have used my mei tai wrap just so he is held close to me when I am about doing housework, even if he was content in his swing. I cried over his sleeping cheeks as he smiled in his baby dreams.

The reality is...
 I do NOT want to let him go. Or even face the notion of a MAYBE, COULD BE, SOMEDAY.... goodbye.

The reality is...
I knew foster parenting would test my faith. And my lack of trust in who God is and what His will and purpose for my life and the life of our children, has become a blaring example of what I am to be taught. As I fight my desire to control these situations, and that only I could possibly know what is best for this child; I am being reminded of just what God has covenanted to His children.

My own prayers and blessings for C are empty in comparison to the hope I find in scripture.


"See ywhat kind of love the Father has given to us, that we should be called zchildren of God; and so we are. The reason why athe world does not know us is that bit did not know him. 2 Beloved, we are zGod's children cnow, and what we will be dhas not yet appeared; but we know that ewhen he appears1 fwe shall be like him, because gwe shall see him as he is. 3 And everyone who hthus hopes in him ipurifies himself as he is pure." ~ 1 John 3:1-3

"Blessed be fthe God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing gin the heavenly places,4 heven as he ichose us in him jbefore the foundation of the world, that we should be kholy and blameless before him. In love 5 lhe predestined us2for madoption as sons through Jesus Christ, naccording to the purpose of his will, 6 oto the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in pthe Beloved." ~ Ephesians 1:1-6

shots

My darling baby boy had his 2 month shots last week, for as much as I hyperventilated driving to the hospital that day, the shots themselves went great.

I have this horrible habit when I see a loved one in pain....thanks to my mother.....I giggle. My sweet baby getting his shots was no exception. I was holding his arms down  before as they prepped the needles, and I saw his bottom lip stick out, his lips smooshed together as he mentally prepared for trauma, and  I felt so awful for him, I laughed! The more he screamed the more I giggled!
Don't mock me, this giggle condition is genetic...many a spouse of those related to my mother will attest to the females who are hysterical while digging for Arnica, ice packs, or band aids....


Baby C continues to grow, Baby T continues to visit. 2 children in the house is trying, and I pray for grace to handle the transition, if it is ever to be permanent, with grace.

happenings

Here I sit sipping a cold Starbucks beverage, daydreaming on Trulia and Pinterest... my little man is laying in his bouncy next to me, awake, content, and adorable. My hardworking man is sleeping in, and minus being semi-awake enough for me to run get coffee, is oblivious to anything but the rare privilege of a delayed wake up time. Oh, and a sweet little girl is asleep in the nursery. Yes, Baby C's sister is here for a sleepover!

Sweet baby T is sweet, almost to a fault. She is so very laid back and mellow (for now :-). Her lovely foster parents have never left her over night in the 8 months they had her, and various text messages and delayed goodbyes last night confirmed their love for her, and nervousness at her demeanor upon their departure. Baby T took it like a champ. She was so very good for dinner, bath and play time. And went directly to sleep at nigh' nigh' time. She was not as her usual smiley self (as I witnessed earlier this week) she was contemplative of us and her new surroundings, but the trust was there and I look forward to getting to know her more today.

Another evaluation for baby C this week. These are laid back, in home evaluations that, for us at least, have been relatively painless. Mentally stressful only because it would be hard not to take everything personally if there were to be developmental delays with our baby. Baby C is right on track however, so an hour of me and a stranger staring at him went well overall. I could stare at him all day everyday!

First Contact

From our first days wish baby C, we knew he had a sister.  This is not baby C's only sibling, but his only full sibling, and the one who everyone would like to see in a "forever family," with him.

And a few nights ago, I received a long awaited phone call from Baby T's foster mother!

I learned more about the foster family, biological family, biological extended family, and sweet baby T than I have heard from, the countless people involved in this case, in these last 6 weeks combined.

I am both weakened with the burden of information and decisions, and so incredibly edified and strengthened by the prayers of this other family. The phone call was extremely encouraging, this is another family of believers who spoke with nothing but honesty, respect, and a God-fearing, prayerful approach to this whole messy situation.

Baby T is a darling girl. She was a preemie and has had a bit of a rocky start in life, but is flourishing in her current home. We are setting up some "play dates" with these siblings, and will be continually praying for what God has for these two in the near and distant future.

"For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart." (Jeremiah 29:11-13 ESV)

Initiation

I am standing behind the last row of chairs in church this past Sunday. The sermon just getting started, and I am bouncing up and down on my toes like a boxer... trying to not be conspicuous...trying to keep a rhythm...and trying to get my baby to sleep.

This was after Baby C started getting fussy and squirmy on my lap, but was enjoying making eyes at the row behind us over my shoulder...then turning his head comfortably on my chest he quickly spit up his entire stomach contents down my shirt. To clarify. Underneath my shirt. down front. Slipping into the bathroom for a quick clean up I decided I would rather squirm with my baby in the back of the church rather than in a middle pew. The only sad part about this is, it didn't dawn on me to DO this, until I saw a woman with HER baby on the opposite side of the church dancing side to side with her baby in a front pack. *le sigh* Such a no brainer.

I bounce bounce bounce, trying to take keen interest in our pastors words, trying to focus... paranoid my baby will cry and disrupt someone. Repeating this to a woman after the service and expressing my concern of disruption as I learn the unpredictability of babies.. she says to me: "Let me repeat to you what an old lady told me when my babies were little...happy baby noises in church are a good thing." I appreciated her words. I have heard these words before, my own mother and father have told me this in no uncertain terms at least a dozen times since we got baby C, but I still appreciate someone in my own church making the effort. After my first bout with a "sort of fussy church baby" I felt more relaxed at the end of the service. I can do this! One initiating task at a time to ease me into parenthood...minus smelling like spoiled milk on the way home, it was a successful worship service.

ONWARDS AND UPDWARDS here is an update:

I have met with Baby C's case manger this week and his special doctor this morning. I feel so very encouraged by many things and saddened by a few.

Perhaps one day I will feel comfortable enough to share an edited version of the story of Babay C's family. Just know that in many ways there are "ideals" if baby C becomes adoptable. However, putting more and more pieces together yesterday left me in tears after his case manager left. Their story is similar to ours in so many ways... sin, consequences and a loving, forgiving Savior. I can only pray for the entire family and to trust that God knows the perfect place and plan for these children.

On the upside the Doctor visit C had today was amazing. The nurse repeated what the doctor told her saying "C does NOT want to be 4 weeks old, he is trying to take off already!" I was so proud of baby C showing of his mad 1 month "scooting" and "almost rolling" skills, scaring us multiple times by trying to jump off the exam table :-)  He cooed and smiled once, and looked "amazingly beautiful and healthy," as the doctor said.  He screamed his head off for the blood work. This made me happy as his first week heel stick made him frown but not cry, I lectured him no the need to express himself when it comes to physical discomfort. He took me seriously and wailed today! It was glorious...

Unpacking Insecurities, new parents and foster parents

When I get called a new "mom" or " new mamma" I am thrown into a brief tizzy of joy, OR a brief fit of rage depending on the tone of the greeter.

Keep in mind, I am not so high and mighty that I do not recognize my own "new" mom paranoia of "was that sniffle normal? did he breath funny? Is he supposed to spit up that much?" I am guilty of taking baby's temperature for no reason multiple times a day. I am guilty of Googling...everything. Of reading ALL the baby books. I exaggerate that last part, I only read a few chapters from each. 

However, I try my HARDEST to be a confident, critical thinking, non-over reactive new mom. *cue my mother's laughter*

I assumed that with me consciously TRYING to not be an over-reactive that I would automatically be able to mind-over-matter my new-mom-ness. This is impossible. For me this will only come with experience. This is, of course, "my first rodeo" as it were. 

The last time a nurse made a comment on my new-mom-ness, I boiled with rage. Keep in mind it was an innocent statement, I have not dealt with any blatantly rude people yet.  I was still miffed. And as I sat alone in the doctors office holding my sweet, sweet love bundle baby...I talked myself down..."Ok Kate, I understand you are angry, can you explain why?"  My insecurities stem from 1. I am "new" and don't want to do anything "wrong" or misjudge a health concern for baby. And 2. (probably more applicably) Is I am afraid of the judgment which comes with this foster care territory. 

~ That "they" will feel there are way more qualified couples interested in adopting, and baby c deserves someone with more experience.
~ that "they" will assume I do this for financial aid, that I refuse to work a "real job."
~ That, especially if there is confusion about who baby c's bio mom is, that I am somehow responsible for any of his health conditions.

Even writing this makes me feel irrational. But I need to acknowledge this is part of the territory, my own personal hang-ups with the "tone" of various nurses, or of other "randoms" who show up to monitor my home life, is my own problem to "get over." 

Like the childish sinner that I am, I hope to get a sturdier back to which any ill-felt comments will slide right off, and that God in His omnipotence, will answer my constant prayers for wisdom as I navigate this "new" parenthood experience.